he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
