I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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