My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
