he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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