I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
