6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
