you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I love how my cats smell like pot.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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