Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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