so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
