You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
