Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
