Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
