Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
