i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
