I am in a vortex of obligation.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
