You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
