Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
