You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
