I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
