Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
