your parents love me but you hate me
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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