so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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