Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
