..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
