What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
