I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
