I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
