every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
