I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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