Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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