Your face is a jimmy john
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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