he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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