btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
