that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
