dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
