she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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