so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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