It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
