just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
