oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
