you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
