he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize