listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
