I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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