Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
