It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
