Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
