I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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