I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
