4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
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