I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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