I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
