How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
