So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
is wine microwaveable?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
