i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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