Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I wish there were birth control emojis
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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