It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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