life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
