I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
