just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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